This week, I’ll be posting things I’ve found in my bedroom while cleaning up…
One of the things I found was this keychain whistle from Golden Krust. I think it’s rape whistle. I do think it’s odd that a restaurant chain would want to make put their name on something associated to rape …but maybe it’s responsible?
I know I’ve been thinking everyday about that rape incident I encountered on New Year’s Eve. I think about it everyday. It haunts me. Even though I know I did what I could do in that moment, short of being Bruce Willis …I keep thinking, “shit. I ended up walking away from it.”
And just this past weekend, it happened again. Walking home late at night on the same street. This time I see a guy and a girl on a stoop. Looks like they are kissing, but I hear the girl shout out, “Stop! You’re hurting me.” I don’t know if it was a moment of redemption for me. I don’t know …But I crossed the street and asked them if everything was okay. It took them about five seconds to respond. Then the guy said it was cool. I wanted to wait this time for the girl to say something, but then a different girl on the sidewalk asked me for directions. Shit. It was the most jarring distraction with my mindset being set on confronting this couple. But after a minute of telling the girl how to get to the train, the couple was just standing there. So I walked away.
I felt like shit when I got home. Did I just fucking walk away for the second time? The first time ended in crime tape around a garage. I went back outside after I took a piss, but didn’t see them. I was freaking out and didn’t have anyone to talk to. So I went on Facebook to freak the fuck out. Whether that is the appropriate forum or not, my friends were there. It was helpful.
This whole past month I’ve been feeling like shit, thinking what I could have done differently. Even though the first guy reportedly had a gun, I still feel like I should have done something more if I knew or not. It was in a loop in my head. It didn’t even occur to me that what I felt was guilt. Dang, I don’t ever remember feeling guilty my whole life. I kept seeing that word in my facebook comments. I guess it was guilt. I looked up some articles on how to deal with guilt and it was so helpful. At least trying to understand what I was feeling –“unhealthy guilt.”
I know in both incidents, I didn’t know exactly what was happening at the moment. I did what I thought was right, but I do still feel the guilt. I know it’s not my fault and I’m working on it. I hope that sharing this can help other people …at least with the links and knowing that it happens. People can feel this way. And I know we can get through it.
I was showing my friends this “rape whistle” during our Super Bowl party. Someone mentioned maybe it’s a party whistle for the West Indian Parade. I guess that makes sense. It lights up too.