I’m happy to have Tio Wally (long-time Me So Hungry reader) aboard to send in his eating adventures from across America. Here he is in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Greetings from Salt Lake City, Utah
N 40° 41.8513’ W 111° 56.9284 Elev. 4249 feet

Happy New Year, folks!

I’m so depressed. My new year is simply not starting off as well as I’d hoped. (Thanks for the good wishes, Thistle.)

The yacht has been dry-docked since New Year’s Eve. So to make the best of the situation I rented a car and went to see my daughter, son-in-law and spectacularly handsome and extraordinarily smart 15-month-old grandson, which was wonderful. Then I hustled back in time to pick up the yacht and get back on the road. Or such was the plan.

But the heretofore trustworthy SS Me So Hungry is still down. We were supposed to get it back yesterday but now some sensor or other isn’t working and triggered the “Check Engine” light. This, of course, means they’ll have to fly some inconsequential piece of an anonymous engineer’s wet dream from somewhere back east, possibly Manzhouli, Hulunber, Inner Mongolia, China. Ordinarily, I would simply sail off but, because it’s warranty work, they want to cover their asses and won’t release the yacht. Now I’m again stuck in the motel until tomorrow, at the earliest.

Heather McDonald, a writer/producer for “Chelsea Lately,” appeared last night at Wiseguys, a comedy club not a stone’s throw from here. That depressed me, too. She was probably very funny. But I didn’t go. Next week, of course, they’ll have Jeneane Garafalo, who I’d like to see; the week after that is Tim Meadows, who I’d also like to see; the week after that is Tracy Morgan … and so it goes. Woe the luck (cue Dan Hicks).

The universe is punishing me, I tells ya. That being the case there was only one thing to do: Throw another party! I hoped it would be more successful than Tio Wally’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve party or the New Year’s Day après la fête. If attendance to those events were any indication both landmark soirées were slightly less than spectacular.

So off I went to WinCo Foods in hopes of finding my favorite beer, Alaskan Amber Ale. I knew they carried it in Washington and California. Being as WinCo is headquartered in Boise, Idaho, I figured they would have it here in the heart of We’re-not-all-Mormons land. They didn’t.

Ever the optimist, I went ahead and bought gourmet (microwavable) dinner party fixin’s anyway:
• For an appetizer I planned to serve POP Weaver Extra Butter microwavable popcorn (3 pkgs/$1.01);
• Libations would be equally high-end. Partygoers would have their choice of 12 oz. cans of Budweiser, the King of Beers®, or, if they wanted a mixed drink, a red beer made with Campbell’s Original V-8 Juice ($2.48);
• For the first course I planned to serve Nissin Shrimp flavored BIG CUP NOODLES Ramen Noodle Soup (64¢) and Nissin Spicy Chicken flavored Ramen Bowl soup (38¢);
• For the entrées I had a veritable international smorgasbord of culinary delights: Stouffer’s Swedish Meatballs ($2.50), Stouffer’s Stuffed Bell Peppers ($3.09), and Tina’s Beef & Bean/Green Chili and Red Hot Beef burritos (38¢/ea.).

If nothing else, nobody can say I don’t know how to throw a wingding, a balls-to-the-walls bacchanal, one hell of a shebang of a shindig! Of course, in order for anybody to say “[I] don’t know how to throw a party” they’d have to attend. Right?

You’re probably wondering a couple of things by now, like “Is that another way of saying no one showed up?” Well … yeah. And “Has Tio Wally just wasted my valuable time whining about his noticeable lack of social interaction?” Well … yes again.

What can I say? Oh, I remember … I do this great impression of Justice of the Unicorns’ singer-guitarist/lead sex god. Here it is:

And so we roll. NOT!!

Tio Wally pilots the 75-foot, 40-ton(max) land yacht SS Me So Hungry. He reports on road food from around the country whenever parking and InterTube connections permit.

About The Author

Tio Wally

Tio Wally is pilot emeritus of the 75-foot, 40-ton land yacht SS Me So Hungry. Now a committed landlubber, he reports on food wherever he is whenever his fancy strikes.

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